Why I Think Modern Relationships Are Failing?

Written by Dominique Bancey- Dominique Bancey is the writer of our new column The Thought Banc, where she writes on all things mental health and black culture.

This topic of failing relationships have always intrigued me and honestly, believe me when I say that this definitely will not be the last time I talk about it. 

First off, let me begin by saying that these are strictly my opinions, they aren’t facts. It’s what I believe based on observations and experiences. 

Trust Issues

It seems to be quite a common thing for many persons in this generation to have trust issues, but the issue with this is that they actually allow it to ruin their relationships. They get into one relationship, that person breaks they trust, then they get into another relationship and they refuse to trust (or completely trust) their partner, because they assume that they’ll break it. Yes past relationships are lessons and they teach you what to do or not to do, but at the same time, you can’t treat your current partner like your exYou might as well be dating your ex again. 

Selfishness

Not wanting your partner to have friends or to go out with anyone because you fear they’ll ‘find somebody better’ is something I hear way too often. Being in a relationship doesn’t stop the both of you from being your own individual selves, it just brings the both of you together. Therefore, both of you are allowed to continue to do your own things (as long as it won’t hurt your partner or the relationship). This also ties in with trust

There are many other things to be mentioned but let me just share this.

I’ve cheated before in past relationships. I moved on. Got into a new relationship. Told this person everything (about the cheating and all). Then… They used it against me

How?

Well, they told me that because I’ve cheated they have more of a reason not to trust me because I’ll probably do it again. 

I don’t agree with the whole ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ statement. I know for a fact that I was a different person with a totally different mindset when I did cheat, so I didn’t think this was fair to me at all. 

In the end, we didn’t even work out. 

And, I didn’t cheat. 

Until next time. 

Marriage Tips With Dave and Kimmie : Spending Quality Time

Sometimes marriage can feel like an amusement park. There are lots of attractions, sweet treats, and plenty of people looking to enjoy a great “ride” with you. The roller coasters have a way of keeping you at the edge of your seat and gasping for air. And when the big drop comes, it may cause you to shout with excitement because of the adrenaline and g-forces that you feel down in your belly. Just make sure you didn’t have a meal before the ride, unless you want everyone else to know exactly what it was (lol). But doesn’t everybody love theme parks (smirk) or nah? One things for sure, being married for 14+ years has taught us that sometimes you have to pull away from the thrill and spend direct, consensual, intentional time with your mate.

The truth is that we all love the thrill, but not all of us love the “real.” Dealing with the real is when we accept each other with our strengths and flaws and still choose to love. Yes, the real you without the dressings, the custom outfits, or high heels. And believe us, this is something that takes a great amount of sacrifice, intentionality, maturity, & patience to filter out the many distractions that keep us from putting our mate first. Don’t believe us? Try having a conversation with your spouse and not looking down at your phone when that text, or that email notification goes off. Or try leaving the phone in the bedroom when you get to the dinner table. It’s not that easy is it? Oh, did we say dinner table? Do people even use those anymore?

The reality is that our world has changed and sometimes the only way that we can foster a traditional marriage relationship that strives to survive in a self-driven, narcissistic culture is to adopt some good old-fashioned people skills.

The bottom line is this. Your spouse is your “Lifelong Case Study.” If you haven’t taken on the initiative to have the marriage of your dreams, the time is now. Invest in some “His & Her-ology” because the more you learn about your mate, the more it will reward you in the long run. After all, who else did you join hands in marriage to please for a lifetime? Fight to Make it Work!

“You Create the Marriage of Your Dreams”

Dave & Kimmie
www.daveandkimmie.com

Marriage Tips with Dave & Kimmie Entry #1

Marriage is a word that is often viewed and seen as something to celebrate, or a type of goal or aspiration to reach at the “perfect time” in one’s life. It is something that many people consider to be a personal goal in terms of bringing completion or finding stability. It’s seen as a way to settle down and end the sowing of “royal oats” as mentioned by King Jaffe Joffer in the cult classic movie “Coming to America.” But often, the reality and perception of many, about what marriage appears to be, versus what it really is, is a large contrast. We want to offer some practical ways to combat marital challenges with our marriage tips.

After 14 years of marriage we’ve adopted a slogan “Fight To Make It Work.” This slogan reminds us to stay on the same team when we have differing views and opinions. A big rule of thumb is to remember that positive re-enforcement always adds to the building blocks of marital success. In our daily routines, it becomes very easy to get distracted by stumbling blocks, whether by a rouge driver who cuts us off at an intersection, to overwhelming tasks at work, or even the constant demand and responsibility that children bring into our unions.

To add to these various things that place stress on a marriage, we have to always be concerned with pleasing our spouse and making them happy. In order to do this, it has to be our aim to bring out the positives about your spouse. In doing this, it will become much easier to give criticism if there are areas you would like to see your spouse improve in. Remember, life isn’t just what happens to us, it’s how we respond to what happens. If you don’t like the way your spouse is behaving in a certain area, search within yourself to tell them what it is they do well first. Build them up with positive feedback, and then introduce the area where you see their opportunity to improve. Because it ALWAYS feels better to a person when they are told what they are doing well, before they are reminded of where there is needed improvement. This is how we “Fight to Make it Work.”

“You Create the Marriage of Your Dreams”

Dave & Kimmie
www.daveandkimmie.com