Marriage Tips with Dave & Kimmie: Couples Therapy – Connecting with other Couples

All of us in marriage have high and low points. But one thing about those moments is that the low moments can be recurring if we don’t learn from the experience. After 14 years of marriage, it has become evidently clear that you can’t go through rough moments alone. There is a true need for any marriage that desires to have an awesome marriage, to have real relationships in place that we can confide in. Whether you count on parents, close friends, or family members, the camaraderie of fellow married couples is very important as a support system.

In some cases, you have to guard against whom you reveal your challenges to. For instance, if you share telling and personal information about your marital affairs to someone who isn’t trustworthy, you may run into a barrier that backfires. And when attempting to reintroduce your spouse in a formative way they may get rejected. It is a major key, to confide in other married couples that know your battles and are on your side fighting with you and not against you or your spouse. In certain instances, it is paramount that you share certain battles with couples that have actually overcome similar battles. This is a sure way to ensure that you get sober advice, real support, and an absence of judgment.

Couples therapy for us, is when couples not only enjoy fun times or vacations, it is also when couples can give a check up on each other to see how we’re doing. It’s at those times, that ones level of maturity will surface. Some couples are more private than others and require more time to open up about topics pertaining to marriage. The reality is that everyone isn’t going to be willing to discuss his or her challenges. However, when you find couples who can help provide guidance for your journey, they are worth holding onto and cherishing.

You Create the Marriage of Your Dreams”

Dave & Kimmie
www.daveandkimmie.com

Marriage Tips with Dave and Kimmie: “Communication”

We’ve all heard the statement “Men are from Mars & Women are from Venus.” And while we understand that men and women are very different, it’s also important to note the MANY similarities that we possess when it comes to our individual needs. Often, we are looking for the same results and want similar things, but we have completely different ways of communicating the HOW!

Have you ever found that in saying something simple to your spouse, it can easily be perceived or heard a totally different way than the way in which you intended it? Did that moment ease your nerves or did it cause frustration? We could assume the second one lol.. Why is this?? Why is it that when we mean one thing, we get interpreted in a totally different stratosphere? LOL.. Well we’re glad that you asked! It’s all about Communication. It’s the one thing that makes all other things come together. And one thing’s for sure, if not carefully pursued, poor communication can cause lots of problems further down the road. Attentive and thorough communication skills is a “course” that you’ll have to enroll in once you become married. A communication breakdown is a sure way to find yourself in a place that leaves both parties feeling unfulfilled, neglected, and even as if your thoughts, views, or feelings don’t matter.

It really takes concentrated effort and active listening skills to effectively communicate. Did you know that talking is only a part of communicating? The other part is listening and receiving the transmission of information. Sometimes, we listen to our spouses with the intention to react, and not with the desire to respond once we have received what was said. In a Huffington Post study, it was found that poor communication was the #1 cause of divorce. And while we don’t know how accurate this study was, we do know that validation, acceptance, and a sense of belonging all come from how we speak to each other. Sometimes, the way that we were raised plays a big part in how we talk to our spouse. This can become an issue that we have to confront when we find that we’ve talked ourselves into conflict. We then have to find better ways to interact with our spouse because of personality differences and ways of talking. Another communication barrier can be the unwillingness by one party or the other, to talk or discuss at length, valid and needful topics.

We will close on this point. You can’t have a great marriage and have poor communication at the same time. Give your spouse what they need, even if it means coming outside of comfort zones. FIGHT TO MAKE IT WORK!!!

“You Create the Marriage of Your Dreams”

Dave & Kimmie
www.daveandkimmie.com

Why Do We Fall in Love, but Can’t Stay There?

Written by Valerie Holland

In the spirit of celebrating the 25th anniversary of, arguably, the most admired couple to grace a U.S. television screen, lets seriously discuss the long-lasting, put you in my Will, rub your feet every night, kind of love that we all seek. Michelle and Barack Obama celebrated 25 years of marriage on Tuesday, October 3, 2017. We all (well most of us) love the Obamas. From their beautiful daughters Sasha and Mila to their adorable dog Bo, we could not – and still cannot – get enough of their beautiful relationship.

Many of us search for that kind of love for a lifetime while others of us find it in high school with our Sweethearts. But for those of us stuck in the middle, why is it so hard to have this kind of relationship? As much as “#Baegoals” trends on social media, you would think it wouldn’t be that hard to find. We all have that one friend (or maybe that friend is you) who jumps from relationship to relationship trying to find “true love”. But for many of us it remains elusive. One author; however, claims to have the recipe.

Gary Chapman, speaker, marriage counselor and author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, discusses at length in this Bestseller how to mend, repair or start off a relationship on the right foot. The concept is somewhat ingenious. Just as we all speak different languages across the globe and even different dialects within the same regions, Mr. Chapman believes that there are 5 major Love Languages. The theory is that if you learn your own, as well as your partner’s, (and vice versa) you can have a successful relationship. Simple!

To elaborate, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch are the major languages that many of us speak in a relationship. Some are stronger than others but one is typically your dominant language. If you light up like Christmas from hearing encouraging words and affirmations from your spouse, this is likely your language. If you can’t stand for your partner to watch television or text on their phone when spending time together, Quality Time might be yours. Would having your car washed by your partner and laundry done on a Saturday morning without you having to ask give you butterflies? Then Acts of Service may be your native love tongue. Thus, the goal is to regularly speak your partner’s language (even if you have to learn it), to keep the relationship healthy.

The book even breaks down the falling-in-love infatuation period we all chase and explains why, in any long-term relationship, it eventually fades (usually after 2-3 years). This may also explain why some of us jump from relationship to relationship in search of those “butterflies” but we fly the coup once they have disappeared. According to the book, we have been swindled into believing this obsession period is the baseline for a relationship rather than just the beginning.

All couples go through ups and downs, and even the Obamas must have their disagreements. We have all likely heard the age-old adage that relationships are “hard work” but we don’t seem to take this literally. I know at least, I was of this school of thought until recently. I thought love was supposed to flourish “naturally” too.

So if you also think relationships are supposed to be sparkles and sunshine and you consider the Curry’s, Ciara and Russell Wilson or Will Smith and Jada Pinkett as #BaeGoals, but find yourself single every 6 months, this book is a great start. It retails for $9.59 on Amazon and comes even cheaper in the Kindle format. If you have found yourself in a dead or dying relationship and want to try one more time, this 10 bucks couldn’t hurt a thing. Let us know what you think or if you’ve already read the book, how is it working for you? It has a strong 5-stars on Amazon, has been on the New York Times Bestseller list for 8 years running and oh yeah, it’s celebrating its 25th Anniversary as well. So if you want to find love and keep it, what have you got to lose?

Why You’re Really Upset With the Love of Your Life

Written by Salina Jivani

You’re in a fight with your partner, but even after they’ve apologized, you can’t seem to forgive them, get close to them…or let go of what happened. You want to make them work to earn back your attention or love. If any of this sounds familiar, you might be strangling your relationship by projecting.

What is projecting?

Projecting is an instinctive defense mechanism where you blame others for positive or negative things that happen in your life without realizing that you yourself are actually the cause of them. Projecting can be the result of a previous traumatic or terrible event in your life,  and it can destroy your ability to keep healthy relationships and leave you feeling lonely, hurt, and depressed.

How do you know you’re projecting?

People who project share a few common traits.

  • They feel they’re 100% right in every situation
  • Even the slightest disagreements leave them feeling hurt and sad
  • They feel extremely panicked and overwhelmed during an argument.

How can you stop projecting?

To stop projecting, you’ll need to take a step back and focus on you. Spend time alone journaling or listening to your thoughts. Remind yourself that they can’t always be right—there are such things assumptions and doubts that play a role in what we think. Always be honest about how you feel instead brushing off questions like “What’s wrong?” Lastly, consider investing in yourself by reading self-help books. The more aware you are about your tendency to project, the better you’ll be able to help yourself—and your relationships—stay healthy.

3 Strange Things You Don’t Know About Men Who Cheat

Written by Salina Jivani

Every woman has her insecurities when it comes to the possibility of her man being wooed by someone better, younger, and sexier. And with the advent of the internet, the threats are no longer limited to just his office or the local bar. Facebook, Instagram, and many other social media platforms are notorious for being “hookup” hubs because they’re often where many people end up connecting nowadays…even when they’re off the market. So if you’ve got a man you’re in love with and you want to make sure women are keeping their claws off him, don’t look for the obvious signs—lookout for these three lesser known ones you probably had no idea about.

 

They’re still in love

If he’s still obviously in love with you, that doesn’t mean you’re safe. Many men who are married or engaged in a serious commitment are still in love with their partners when they cheat. So why do they do it? Because they’re just looking for some excitement and someone different to test the waters with.

 

They want you more

Contrary to belief, when men are having an affair, they’re more likely to become more frisky with you…not less. So if your man suddenly is seeking some extra action between the sheets, don’t fool yourself into thinking that means you’ve got him cemented within your clutches. It just as likely could be that he’s using you to fulfill his raging desires…

 

You’ll never work it out if he’s still at it

If it turns out he really is having an affair, no matter how much he promises he wants to make it work with you, don’t fool yourself into thinking that will be possible while he’s still seeing the other woman. If you truly want a good shot at repairing your relationship, you’ll have to make sure she’s completely and truly booted out of his life before you can restart yours.

 

This Funny Text Between Chrissy Teigen & John Legend Peaks Inside Their Perfect Relationship

Written by Christina Anderson

Chrissy Teigen showed a glance of a text to her fans on what her love life is like with John Legend. Both have been together for 10 years.
Here is what the text looked like:
Did u have a mouth guard made?
That is on your side of the bathroom?
I can’t find mine but found one on your side that doesn’t fit. Maybe it was pre veneers
Maybe I can just wear one like the boxers wear. I don’t have time to fit another
Ok I’m going to bed goodnight
On the Tweet, it said 10 years in.
It is kind of funny because these mouth guards are floating around the house and that seems to be the worst of their problems in the long span the two have spent together.
Some time back John Legend told everyone that it was the text messages and calls on the phone that made him fall in love with Chrissy.
When they first started dating, their relationship was word based through mainly messages and phone calls. That helped because they were in a distance relationship and spent a lot of time apart.
On Entertainment Tonight he told everyone that Chrissy is wonderful with the keyboard and she can say some of the most heartwarming things. Chrissy’s personality and humor shined through their communication, and it grew into a strong marriage.
His song All of Me was written for his wife as both are welcoming a new baby into their lives. The movie that he promoted in the past was Southside With You, that is based on Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date.
John wrote a song for the film named Start and the bases around the song is that you don’t know how it is going to be with someone and you should give love a try. Life is too short not to take a risk on love, and if you do, you just might have a wonderful relationship like Chrissy and John.

Is Your Partner a Compulsive Cheat?

Written by Salina Jivani

No one ever steps into a relationship thinking that one day, they may be the victim of cheating or infidelity. It’s one of those things you simply can’t imagine happening to you, but unfortunately, people fall prey to cheaters all the time.

With Facebook and online apps making it easier than ever to mingle and meet, it’s no wonder all of a sudden finding your beau in the arms of another is an all too common, but still devastating, experience.

And maybe you’re aware of a slip or discrepancy on his part that took place years ago, but your partner has vowed since then that it’ll never, ever, ever happen again. And you believe him. But how can you tell whether he’s really cleaned up his act, or just preparing for an encore?

These three telltale signs reveal the characteristics of someone who is compelled to cheat…and more than just once.

Your relationship is an emotional roller coaster…and they love it

Most people are very content, even placid with having a smooth sailing, emotionally stable relationship. But run, run as fast as you can if you’re with someone who seems to thrive off the constant highs and lows of your relationship battles while you’re left to feel emotionally drained and exhausted. Why? Because people who enjoy these kinds of thrills (in this case, the thrill of making and breaking up) are usually those most susceptible to seeking the thrill of an affair or an extramarital relationship.

They have a fear of being lonely

No ones like feeling left out or alone, but cheaters often have an overwhelming fear of becoming lonely. So to create a sense of security, they keep their prospects open, seeking a constant supply of love and support from multiple people just in case one of their relationships do go awry. In their short sightedness, however, what they don’t realize is once they get caught, they’ll end up losing it all and in turn inviting the very loneliness they fear.

They’re not content

As humans, we always yearn for that one thing that life lacks—and for the most part, that’s normal. But cheaters cheat because a significant need—either emotional or physical—is not being met in their current relationship to the point where they desire its fulfillment. And so they seek that fulfillment elsewhere.

If you sense your partner is unhappy, try talking to them. If that still doesn’t resolve anything or help you gear your relationship in a more positive direction, consider stepping out.

Admitting your relationship is on the rocks or nearly over is difficult, particularly if you’re in a long-term commitment. But remember that allowing yourself to become prey to the destructive behaviors of a cheater can be more damaging and draining in the long haul. If you’re not sure you’re ready to break off your relationship, at least consider healthy ways to repair it, such as through counseling or therapy. And remember, any relationship that’s worth keeping takes time, patience and tons and tons of love.

5 Careless Ways You’re Harming Your Marriage

Written by Salina Jivani

No one ever said marriage was easy. Yet when you tie the knot and promise yourself to someone for eternity, never in your wildest imagination can you anticipate all the hurdles, roadblocks and disagreements that will wedge their way between you and your loved one at some point or another.

Though we know that happily ever after isn’t always…well, happy, and that the occasional (and even daily) bickering is inevitable, it’s not okay to ruin your chances of marital bliss by practicing some routine no-nos. Commit one of the below five offenses, and you’re just setting yourself—and your marriage—up to be on the rocks for the long haul.

You play the brutal blame game

Saying “I told you so” is sooo tempting! And it’s especially gratifying when your partner did something wrong because they didn’t listen to you. Come on, we’re human! So yes, if you do this occasionally, we may turn the other shoulder, but making a habit of constantly pinning the blame on your partner for everything and anything that goes wrong is plain wrong, not to mention annoying.

There’s only so much he or she will tolerate of your constant blaming. And after that? Well, they’ll eventually tune you, and your accusations, out. Meaning that soon, your words will fall on deaf ears. Yeah. Picture talking to a wall.

So, if you want those “I told you so’s” to result in actionable improvements in the future where your spouse learns from his or her mistakes, make sure you’re picky about what situations truly warrant blame. And even then, be tactful about how you address the situation (i.e. don’t let the neighbors hear). Because if you don’t, your words will soon lose their impact—and then you can throw any hope of seeing changes out the window.

You fight over menial things

I remember growing up around parents who fought over anything and everything. From who misplaced the grocery receipt to how much more money the other spent. And I saw how money broke apart our family—in the worst ways possible. I vowed that when I got married, money would never be a topic of argument in my household. And for the most part, I’m proud to say it’s not.

Why?

Don’t get me wrong. Money’s important, but it’s not the end all and be all of the world. What’s here today won’t be tomorrow. If you’re financially stressed, sit down and try to have a calm discussion about what’s wrong (are you not making enough? Is your spending excessive?) and how you can fix it. Make sure you both come to a compromise about what course of action needs to be taken to remediate your financial woes. If it helps, write it down and take baby steps toward your end goal.

He embarrasses you in public

Sometimes spouses can be…well, embarrassing. Come on. You know what I’m talking about. You go out in public and all of a sudden, to your horror, you witness them have an open-mouth-insert-foot moment, and you can’t help but cringe inside while pasting a tight smile on your face.

We’ve all been there. And that’s okay. But how do you react when your sig-fig says something completely crazy? Do you sit tight and wait till you’re out of public eye to chastise him or do you tear him apart right there in front of everyone? It doesn’t take a genius to guess which of those options is the no-no.

No matter how humiliated you feel, putting your spouse down in public will only negatively impact people’s perception of you both, and probably do more damage to your relationship than your spouse’s goof up (we assume!). But more importantly, it’s going to hurt your relationship with your spouse.

In these cringe-worthy cases, the best thing to do is to laugh off their goof-up, or ignore it and change the topic. Remember: the bigger you make it in front of people, the bigger it’ll be when it’s just the two of you hashing it out.

You don’t talk about your issues

I’m going to go back to the example of my parents (can you tell they had an “ideal” marriage?!). They NEVER talked out their issues. Well…can’t say never. They did all the time—in front of their friends, the neighbors, the world. The rest of the time, they were too busy trying to out-do giving each other the silent treatment. In the early years of their marriage, that silence lasted for just a few hours, then a few years down, several days. And by the time they were filing for divorce nearly 35 years later, they could literally go months without talking and barely notice.

If you’re notorious for giving each other the cold shoulder instead of trying to work through your problems, stop! It takes a lot to put your pride aside sometimes and approach your spouse—even if you both know they’re in the dead wrong. But if you feel your marriage and love are worth the vows you took, make open communication a regular part of your make-up routine (among other amazing practices!). Once you get in the habit of talking to each other instead of going silent and shoving your issues under the proverbial rug until the next big argument, it’ll become easier to do so. And the more you can communicate, the more you can improve and compromise and understand each other. It’s a win-win all around—so why not?!

You never take his side in public

We’ve all been in that awkward situation where you’re asked or put in a position to choose a side between your spouse and your parent. It’s not a pretty place to be (and that’s why someone needs to create tele-transportation—soon!). There may be times when your spouse is in the dead wrong, but how you repeatedly handle situations when it comes to choosing between your spouse and someone else can mean the difference between strengthening your relationship or deteriorating it.

If you constantly side with the other party—even when your spouse is in the wrong—you’re only serving to humiliate them and lose the respect of your relationship in the eyes of your audience. If the other party constantly sees you on the opposite side of the fence from your spouse, it’s likely they’ll see this as a sign that’s it’s okay to continue making you pick sides against him or her. And they might even think it’s okay to bad mouth your spouse to you or in front of you.

Remember that in front of people and in situations where the two of you may be pitted against each other, the way you handle the situation relays a lot about the strength of your relationship. If you show people that you’re a unified front, they’re a lot less likely to try and break you apart. But if you show them you’re already at discord, it’s likely they’ll only serve to drive you further away.

In the end, if your actions feel mean-spirited or don’t give you a warm-fuzzy feeling inside, it likely means that your approach is wrong. Think with a clear head, take a few minutes away from each other and ask yourself how you’d like to be treated by your spouse in a similar situation. It really is just as simple as that…sometimes 😉

How to Tell If Your Relationship Needs CPR

Written by Salina Jivani

couple-fight-1907121Relationships can be a funny thing.  One minute you’re sneaking snuggles in the movie theater and the next, you’re restraining yourself from hurling a laundry basket at your so-called other half. Strangely, these polar extreme sentiments are completely normal facets of relationships. In fact, it’s when you don’t have those highs and lows that you should worry. And based on many relationship experts and a wealth of research, that worry should be taken seriously when four particular signs of trouble constantly lurk around:

Constant fighting

It’s okay to have the occasional argument and even suffer daily tiffs, but when the fighting tends to spiral out of control because of something as silly as who left the toilet seat up (or down), there’s a good likelihood that the frustration roots from something deeper than just that. If you feel constantly upset and irritated at actions of your significant other that seem trivial to spectators around you, it’s likely that you’re harboring some bitterness or remorse about something else. And to have those emotions blow up and out of control, day in and day out—constantly—is not okay. Or normal.

You don’t share anything with each other

You love to share your deepest secrets with your partners. Or at least you used to. Initially, this trust and confidence is what attracts you to each other and brings you closer together. A healthy relationship builds on those elements of companionship. But if you notice that you’ve gradually or suddenly become distant from each other, and live in near-alien existence where one of you has no clue what’s going on in the other’s life, that’s not okay. Even worse, if neither of you has made any attempt to address the issue to the point where your lack of communication has become the norm, beware. You’re treading on fragile foundation.

There’s no affection

The initial part of a typical relationship is filled with endless hours of intimacy, groping, and lustful glances. But once the honeymoon phase wears off, it’s normal to have some fun…at least occasionally. But if you or your partner has suddenly lost interest in intimacy and you can’t remember the last time you’ve made whoopee, and, even worse, you don’t miss it, well, now that’s a pretty big problem. Intimacy isn’t just about sex—it’s much deeper than that. In fact, it’s scientifically proven that people who have sex together share a stronger emotional bond. So if your relationship is missing the key element of touch, it’s likely you’re disconnected in a much larger way than you may realize.

You dream of running away… and feel happy

We all occasionally have that desire to just step away or escape, whether that means taking a spontaneous vacation solo or driving around town at midnight with the windows rolled down. So it should be no surprise that the same desire for some space from your loved one is completely normal. But what’s not okay is if you daydream about escaping and actually get excited about the prospect of a life without your partner. If you’re harboring these thoughts on a frequent basis, ask yourself whether you’re truly in the relationship because you want to be or because something is holding you back from leaving. Sometimes the culprit may be something as simple as fear or even the gossip mill.

Having one or more of these signs present in your relationship indicate that something isn’t completely right with you and your partner, but remember: as fragile as relationships can be, they are also just as resilient. If you find that you’re panicked or surprised that your relationship has many of these red flags, take a moment to think about what it is you really want to do about it. If you’re eager to repair the crevices in your relationship, it’s often doable, but will require a strong effort on both your end and your partner’s. Talk to your partner, address your concerns and think about the best option or solution. Remember that breaking off a relationship—especially one that you’ve invested in long-term—is never easy. But sometimes, it’s just what you need to find happiness and move on into greener pastures.